Why not being the winner is often the greatest win

Competition and Comparison of Those in Our Circle

People don't really like people they know to be winning, perfect, special, or great. They need some separation from a person before they can fully appreciate their greatness. This is covered in the book Wanting by Luke Burgis.

We like to compete with and compare ourselves to those around us—especially those of the same sex, age, or profession. We compare ourselves to others and like to mentally find ways of seeing ourselves as superior.

If you're extrinsically motivated, this competition and comparison is heightened, and seeing others for who they really are becomes more difficult.

Extrinsic Motivation

The more extrinsically motivated you are, the more you'll be trapped in a cycle of competition and comparison.

To be extrinsically motivated is to be driven by others—through authority, reward, competition, status, and self-image.

These people place a lot of mental energy on their image and how people see them, so they're less likely to be real and genuine, and more likely to present an idealised version of themselves in order to display higher status.

They’ll also reject the parts of themselves that aren’t acceptable to what they see as societal and group norms.

While they may do good things, they often do it for show—not because they truly believe it’s right or good. But because it's deemed right and good by their clan or society. They’re not tapped into a true sense of altruism or care.

Intrinsic Motivation

People who are intrinsically motivated are motivated by their internal drives and values. They're less likely to wear a mask or compete to be the best. Instead, they compete with themselves to become the best version of themselves, not some prototypical group ideal.

We're All Fools

We as people are full of folly, contradictions, and hypocrisies. We are all fools and we all do foolish things.

These things, in the eyes of those extrinsically motivated, make us look like losers. And the last thing an extrinsically motivated person wants is to look like a fool or a loser.

Looking that way brings shame to someone locked in constant competition, so they do their best to hide their folly rather than be honest about it.

Accepting Your Whole Self

To be less motivated by one’s ideal image—or “super-ego” in Freud’s language—is to know your whole self and accept it, including the darker, more embarrassing, shadowy parts.

Someone who sees themselves for who they are and is motivated by their own internal values has less need to put on a show. They are more able to show their folly. Those who are extrinsically motivated see this as weakness, and are more likely to identify that folly as proof that they are superior.

They may peg you as a loser.

**But We're All Losers**

But we are all losers in our own way, each with our own folly.

So what’s going on?

The person who is extrinsically motivated identifies with their ideal self—the super-ego—and uses that to peg you as a loser so they can maintain their false identity. To do that, they have to reject their darker self (the id).

This makes them less self-aware and more prone to the kind of folly easily recognised by someone who has incorporated their shadow and is internally motivated.

Shadow Integration Isn’t “Going to the Dark Side”

Those who haven’t incorporated their shadow have it separated from themselves, making them unaware of how it controls them.

People imagine shadow integration as going to the dark side and embracing their primal urges.

But it’s not that.

It’s just acknowledging those parts of ourselves—our humanness—and in doing so, we gain more control over ourselves and more awareness of our folly when it arises.

Embrace Being the Loser

So think little of those in a state of competition who are extrinsically motivated when they treat you like a loser.

In fact, embrace it.

It’s a good sign you’re on the right track.

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