Trigger Warning: This post contains words like arsehole and backside.

One of the issues I discovered when moving into our new digs is related to my excess weight.

I switched over to wiping my arse from the front when going to the loo sometime in the last ten years, this is because I found it increasingly difficult to reach around and wipe from the back, which I'd always done since I first started wiping my own arse.

The new method was efficient, clean and easy, and I'd recommend it, even for people who aren't a fatty like myself.

The problem I had the more weight I put on, even when wiping from the front was that because of my big belly and little T-rex arms, I increasingly needed to contort myself to wipe my own arsehole, this included having to spread my knees out in either direction, which I could do at my old house because of the lack of impediments like walls or vanities at either side of the toilet.

This is a problem I face at some public toilets, which is one of the many reasons I like to take a dump at home, rather than down the street or at the mall, but certainly not limited to that reason alone.

Communal bogging ain't my jam!

Turns out the new toilets at Birch where we are living now, both have either two walls in the road or a wall and a vanity.

This was a distressing fact at first, but I soon found a hack to get the job done and reach all areas of my date.

I found that if I sit on the ensuite toilet at a forty-degree angle and put one of my knees at the side of the vanity, I can spread my knees apart enough to lean down and reach my arsehole and can give it a good wipe.

This comes with its own issues, but it's a workable fix to the problem.

Of course, I could buy a bidet or lose some goddamned weight, but for now, in the interim, I'm happy that I found a way to wipe my own arse in our new house.

Stay tuned for more captivating stories from the chronicles of Browne Town. In the next instalment, we'll take a look back at the time I got my dick caught in an exercise bike.

Update: I don't know whether all this contorting has made my body a bit more flexible, but I have found a new method to wipe my ass that works in both toilets, and I don't have to put one of my legs around the side of the vanity. I just spread my knees as wide as I can, with my right foot back a bit, I twist and lean, lift slightly off the seat and tilt my hips forward. It's a win for Browne, God bless.

Kind regards

Rick B.

Stay safe kids!

PS. I'll be sending around a petition to ensure all public toilets are made wide enough so the unflexible fatty's wish short arms can reach their own arsehole. Be kind and sign!

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